"Brother! Are you looking outside the window again? Geez... don't you have anything else to do other than that? I'll be bored by just staring at the same thing for one minute."
As I continued sitting up in this hospital bed while looking out the window, I heard a familiar voice.
I turned my head towards the source and saw him peeling an apple. How long has he been here without making a noise...
Even now, I notice that familiar warm smile that he always carries.
A face where people would call handsome. Dark eyes taken out from my father's side, silky medium-curly brown hair from my mother, a fit body that resulted from exercise, pointed noise and light tone skin.
I looked around to see if anyone else was there, but to no avail.
My brother was the only one that visited me. Someone kind and gentle, that showed happiness towards everyone. The ability to express his emotions as he desired.
He's the one who gave me that romance novel for me to read. The only one who kept visiting me till this day, and the only one that continues to show kindness to someone like me...
Truly... a caring brother.
Whenever he visits, I feel this warm sensation in my heart. A sensation that was conveyed in the book many times, the emotion called... happiness.
The same emotion I felt that day slowly began to return.
I don't know why I'm suddenly feeling this emotion.
But...
For some reason... It doesn't feel forced... It doesn't make me feel guilty...
It... puts me at ease...
As time slowly went by in my distilled world, I eagerly expected his visit, thinking that every time he visits me, I can continue feeling this happy emotion swirl inside me.
Making me believe that I wasn't forsaken....
But despite feeling happy... I can't express it to him... I try, but it just doesn't work. I dislike this feeling. I'm receiving something but can't give it back...
After a long moment of contemplation, still looking at the scenery outside the window, I slowly turned my head around and looked at him.
I began my facade.
I softened my eyes and wore a smile. A smile I wished was truly genuine...
"I have nothing else to do other than enjoy the world outside."
"If you want, I can recommend another novel that's been popular. I'm sure you'll love it like the other one!"
"Well, I certainly won't be disappointed with whatever gift you'll give me."
"You won't be disappointed! There are many novels that have become popular throughout your stay in the hospital. Let's see... I'll get you a book like the one you read. You must've liked it since you finished it in a day. How amazing!"
"Thank you... for the compliment."
After many eventful conversations about our daily life, he turned silent. The atmosphere became cold.
Ah... it seems like he wants to speak about that subject again...
"... did mother and father not visit you today?"
I shook my head sentimentally... he brings this conversation every time he visits.
I know he cares but it's quite... burdensome to speak about those people with him.
I just want to feel happy when he's here...
My brother puts down the plate of apples he had finished prepping on the counter near the hospital bed.
He covered his face with his hand and looked down on the floor, releasing a sigh. After a few seconds of contemplation, he looked up and faced me with a sad expression.
"...Our parents have changed after you were admitted to the hospital. They kept saying how relieved they are now that you were finally put into the hospital. Saying things like 'that monster is finally gone'... Whenever I talk about this to Minji, she begins to avoid the topic."
He closed his mouth, hesitated for a bit, and thought to himself before he spoke again.
"I feel like my parents told her something that made her unable to talk about you anymore, maybe they'll do the same with me sooner or later... I don't know why they keep saying those things behind your back..."
He looked down again sentimentally. I could feel sincerity and sadness in his face... Another emotion began to swirl inside me.
I don't know why, but I began to clutch my hands while gritting my teeth.
'Why are you feeling sad? I'm the one who's being treated badly by our parents... I hate seeing you hurt when I'm the one who's supposed to be suffering...'
After he finished talking, he nervously waited for my response.
'I don't want you to feel guilty... I want you to be happy like you always are... '
My understanding of this says that I'm the one at fault.
If I say that, would he stop being sad? Would he be the happy little brother that I know?
But... I always think that saying what's on my mind is never a promising idea. But I still want to lessen his guilt.
While looking down on the bed, closing my eyes and clutching at the bed sheets, I opened my mouth and began talking.
"... Well, it is not my parents' fault. I guess I am a monster."
He flinched, lifted his head up and looked directly at me with discontent and anger.
"No! That's not true!"
He jumped from his seat and grabbed my hands, looking directly into my eyes.
"You're not a monster! No matter what anyone says about you, even from mother or father, I know you're not a bad person!"
It hurts... Why is he grabbing my hand so hard... why is he angry? Isn't what I said the truth?
He then realized the strength he invoked from his grip and released his hands, he sat down in his seat and looked down on the floor while shaking and clutching his fist.
Why does he look sadder now?
I thought that by saying that he will begin to calm down... Even in my death bed I still can't tell what emotions are correct in such situations...
"You were the only who was truly there for me..."
He suddenly spoke while still looking down at the floor, with his hand and legs trembling.
"You were the only one there when I was in the sports competition despite my parents and sister saying they were busy."
... Why is he suddenly recalling the past...?
"Even when our class won third place, you still congratulated me with a smile on your face. When I finally got accepted to the High school that I tried so hard to get in, you and sis were the only ones who were genuinely happy and celebrated with me. You helped me study despite being busy with your own studies, it made me happy..."
He clutched towards the sheet near my bed as he looked down with his eyes closed, trying to hold in his tears.
"You took me and sis to places that were enjoyable, where we created fun memories together. You even took the blame for my mistakes... When I got yelled at by our parents for the mistakes I made... I felt so guilty, but I couldn't help but feel happy to have an older brother that I can depend on..."
He looked up with his eyes open. Drops of tears began to form from my younger brother's eyes, his whole body started shaking as he continued to clutch the sheet in his hand.
'No... Everything I did was a facade. Please don't thank me. I'm someone who doesn't deserve to be called a human...'
He then looked up and smiled at me discreetly.
"You're the only one that I can truly call a family, the only person that I know I can always rely on... You're my brother that's always on my side."
'Stop. You're wrong... You're wrong! I've been tricking you this whole time... You'll regret putting your trust in me...!'
"So even in your final moments, or if miraculously you become better, I want to be by your side! I want to be with my brother who cared for me ever since the beginning. Even if I must take care of you for the rest of my life, if it means I don't have to lose you, I'll make it my destiny to protect you just like you always did with me. I want to repay the kindness that you showed me all these years!"
'It was all an act, an act! Please stop caring about me!'
With a smile so sincere, without any lies. How can you say something like that despite not knowing what I was truly doing? I wanted to scream and tell him this but for some reason I couldn't.
My heart became heavy, I've never felt like this before. Why do I feel sluggish, why do I feel something coming out of my eyes? Why do I feel like I want to throw up? Why do I feel like something on my chest is about to burst? Why is my body tensing and shaking?
There seems to be something on my face. I touched the part that felt weird and felt a bunch of watery things falling off my eyes.
".... Tears...?"
'Why am I crying? I've never cried before. Wait... Am I feeling... sadness? Was this the feeling my brother felt for me? No... Don't feel something like this for me... There's no point in feeling something like this for me. I can't understand why you felt like this when I'm the one suffering. I don't want you to feel like this for someone like me... Please, let me stop feeling this emotion, I hate this. I hate feeling like this.'
At this point, I could only cover my eyes with my hands, trying to forcefully stop the tears from forming. But it continued to downpour without any sign of stopping.
My brother looked up to me and began to wipe my tears away. I faced him and saw how he smiled sadly at me.
"This is the first time I've ever seen you cry. With the way you always smiled whenever I see you, I always thought that nothing can make you cry..."
He wipes his hand with a towel that was sitting on a table near the hospital bed.
He stands by the table for a while without facing me or saying anything before speaking once again.
"... If you were to ever die and leave this place and leave me alone, I'll be sure to follow you even in another life..."
Why would he say something like that? Death is the one thing all human fear, how can he say something so easily?
No.... Don't do something reckless because of me! I was tricking you until now! Why do you have to act like this....
Remember his name!
'Choi Chun-Jan'
The name I thought I wouldn't have to remember. Say the name! Say what you were doing this whole time!
Tell him about the true meaning behind the actions that he thought were genuine.
If he knows the truth, he'll hate me and won't do anything reckless just for me. He'll stop feeling emotions like this for me.
Yes... He'll stop caring...
I tried to say his name, but something began clogging my throat.
I coughed out in my hand and saw... blood?
I began shaking. My whole body seemed paralyzed, I couldn't think or say anything other than stare at my own bloody hands.
Ah... Am in a state of confusion...?
Weird... Why am I suddenly feeling these emotions that I couldn't feel throughout my whole life today? Happiness, anger, sadness, regret, and confusion...
Huh... it seems like today is my lucky day...
I looked at my brother. His face looked mortified as he saw me coughing blood.
I coughed more blood after my state of confusion was over. I saw my brother getting up and calling out for doctors and nurses with a pale expression. An expression that is filled with despair, confusion, and grief.
Doctors and nurses began to enter the room. But by that time, my body felt cold, and I laid down in my bed, breathing hazardously.
Is this how it ends? As tears began to flow through my face once more. I felt the need to say one more thing to my younger brother.
"Chun-Ja, I'm sorry.... I couldn't be the... brother you wanted me to be..."
He grabbed my blood-stained hand with both his hands and gripped it tightly. His pale face with a sad and confused expression was seen as my vision began to diminish.
"What are you saying? Stop saying things that make it look like you're going to die! You're not going to die!"
The sensation of his hands shaking resonated with my heart once more. The tears that began streaming from his eyes mixed with some of the blood in my hand.
"I won't die...?"
"No! You're going to be fine! Everything will be okay! So don't think like that...."
"... I see... then can you stay by my side then? I feel sleepy... once I wake up... can I finally be a brother you can count on?"
"... You were always a brother I could depend on... I'll be sure to stay by your side while you sleep..."
He faces his head up as he smiles at me. Despite him looking happy he's still crying... Why are two opposing emotions occurring at once...?
My head feels like it's about to split open. I also feel very... tired...
"... Once I wake up. Do you want to go somewhere?"
I know that I'm going to die, it was inevitable because of my critical condition.
Yet... I want to believe that I will still live and be beside my little brother, even my sister if she can just talk to me... again...
I want to go somewhere that can accept me... somewhere I can be with my siblings... and be far away from my parents.
Somewhere I can obtain a meaning... and somewhere I can experience ... The many emotions that I couldn't feel...
Like love...
"... Yes, I always like traveling to places with you."
"Is that... so...? I always thought that you were bored whenever I asked you to travel with me..."
"Never... It was so much fun... I can never hate it..."
The sounds of many doctors trying to stabilize my condition and nurses trying to clean up and prepare what they were asked for, and the sound of me breathing hazardously.
My brother was silent for a moment as he was lost in thoughts while looking at my pathetic self, never letting go of my hand.
"Say, where do you want to go this time brother...?"
His voice was calm... I like the sound of his voice for some reason. A compassionate voice that exhaled calmness and kindness...
"... I want to go somewhere new... Somewhere I never... visited..."
Somewhere where I'll finally be accepted...
"... Is that so...?"
My vision is beginning to be clouded... despite lots of noise coming from the medical staff, I could only hear my little brother's voice.
I looked away from the roof and faced my brother. Still grabbing my arms while having a dismayed face.
I truly hate... seeing him like that...
"... I want to sleep now... I feel very tired..."
As I looked at him, his face tensed up and he started to shake immensely. After long thoughts he seemed to come to a conclusion.
"... If you're feeling tired, then it is ok to... sleep..."
"Yes, I'll sleep for a bit... then..."
"Yes... I'm sorry for lying... I know you never told me to lie... but I was just afraid..."
More tears began to flow from his eyes, looking down with despair. Using the last of my strength, I gripped his hand.
"Yes... I know..."
"... I'm sorry..."
"It's... okay..."
I tried to console him, but my eyelids soon started to close.
As I started to close my eyes, many thoughts began to flow through my head.
Yes... many regrets that I have never thought about...
I'm sorry for showing you false love. I'm sorry that all the things you said about me are false. I'm sorry that in the end, I couldn't be the brother that you could depend on.
I'm sorry...
If there's another life in where you're my brother again. I promise that I will show you love that's not forced, that's not acted, or love that's pretend.
I promise that, deep inside my empty heart, I will finally show you emotions just like any normal human would...
I would use those emotions to finally be a brother that you can depend on...
If there's one other thing that I regret, it is realizing these emotions too late, and not showing my real kindness to my younger brother...
With that last promise that I vowed to myself, I lay on to the bed in which I soon won't wake up from....
With that simple thought, everything became pitch black, and soon... Every noise around me turned silent. Every light is consumed by darkness. Every smell was empty, and every sensation in my body became senseless.
I couldn't feel his hand anymore... Still, I want to say one more thing to him.
"Chun-Jan... please stay... happy..."
Upon hearing an unreachable word that came from my brother, I closed my eyes and breathed in one last time.
At the age of sixteen, I died pitifully with only one person by my side...
✦ . ⁺ . ✦ . ⁺ . ✦ . ⁺ . ✦ . ⁺ . ✦ . ⁺ . ✦ .
Strange...
I feel conscious, yet unconscious.
As if I'm drowning in some sort of liquid substance that resembles water, but denser. I'm not breathing but I'm not drowning.
I can't move my body...
This sensation... Is this what it feels like to be dead?
After an extended period of continuous sinking in this vast sea of liquid, a bright light appears before me.
Despite not being able to open my eyes, I can sense the radiating light passing through my eyelids.
"... Ah. Am I finally dying?"
And with those words, my eyes are then filled with darkness again. And soon the cries of a baby resounded through my ears.
"Congratulations, it seems like the child of the duke is born healthy without any inconvenience."
I slightly opened my eyes to where it couldn't be seen by the onlookers. I swiftly saw three unfamiliar people.
A woman holding me with a bright smile. Having long wavy hair, pure white skin, hazel like pupil eyes, lips pink and thin, and a face that entailed beauty incompatible to those of modern-day top idols.
She was wearing a white night gown, with undergarments underneath while sitting up in a big luxurious bed.
I looked around to see the surroundings.
The room was filled with luxurious paintings, decorations like flowers and vases that seem unimaginable to the common people. High class chair that was cushioned and a coffee table. A counter that seemed like a drawer was on the opposite side of where we were with wardrobe, a shade on the corner to change clothes, and chairs to sit on.
There was a tall man standing next the bed where the woman was lying down while holding me. He showed quite a blissful face towards both the me, and the woman holding me.
Black hair that's brushed back, irises red as blood, a scar residing in his right eye going down horizontally that stopped in the middle section of his cheeks, and skin that was tanned by the sun, it would be an understatement to just call him handsome. Even though he looks like a serious man, he continued to show a subtle smile.
And the last person was a doctor with a white lab coat underneath having a light blue gown made of textile with black pants...
She had a long, jet-black straight hair with glasses covering her narrow, blue eyes, and skin that was fair.
She showed a posture that was dignified, calculating her every move as if not to make the people in the room unpleasant, as if planning something.
I tried to raise one of my arms.
As I slowly lifted it up in front of me, I saw that it was small and chubby with little fingers. Looking closely, I see silver bracelet with a red gem around my wrist.
Strange... It isn't supposed to be this small... I tried to raise my head. My head felt heavy as a stone, I could barely shake it, and I could only stare at the unknown ceiling.
Any other limbs wouldn't listen to my command to move as I want either.
I tried to speak.
".... A bah!"
A high-pitch sound that couldn't replicate the words I wanted to convey.
Despite this scenario being impossible to happen, it seems like I'm in the body of a baby.
Using the information about the background and fashion of the three people in the room, the current possible scenario that I can conclude at the moment is that I got transferred into a world that looks like the medieval Europe era.
I've read the concept of reincarnation in the books of Theology.
The concept is also widely used in the Novel industry with people from the modern world being reincarnated to another world with a new body.
A situation where the person can relive life in another body and do things they couldn't do in their past life.
A second chance is what they call it...
But in the body of a newborn. Well... this is new...