HARRO.
I think my past is coming back to bite me in the ass! The panic tightened in my chest as I sank deeper into the plush master bed hoping it would swallow me whole. Why the hell did I have to sleep around so much? I'd brought Orion here for a good time, a chance to relax and enjoy each other's company. But of course, I forgot that Kai might be here too.
Kai and I had spent time together the many times he visited Aki in my family's estate in Germany and nothing ever happened between us back then even though I was aware he wanted more than just hanging out with me. But the last time I'd visited this place he'd voiced his desires for more, we'd slept together of course, and afterward, he became so clingy it was suffocating.
He wouldn't let me out of his sight, always hovering, always making a scene if anyone else even glanced in my direction. I made it clear that I didn't do the whole relationship thing. I thought he'd understood, that he'd be okay with it, but that only seemed to make things worse. He'd snap at anyone who approached me and even went behind my back to warn anyone I'd flirted with to back off, it was a complete turn-off for me.
I hated the fact that he felt like he had some claim over me. He wanted us to keep sleeping together, to continue our little arrangement, but I didn't want to. I didn't want him anymore, not after that psychotic behavior he'd exhibited. Before coming here I'd even forgotten anything like that ever happened between us. It had been years ago since we slept together...I mean, it was just once for goodness sakes! Why did he look so happy seeing me earlier? He can't possibly think we would have sex again, right?
And now there is Orion. My sweet, handsome and amazing boyfriend.
A wave of guilt crashed over me. It didn't bother me how many people I'd slept with in the past, before meeting him. In fact, I used to revel in it. But now, with Orion, everything has changed. I love him so much that the thought of him knowing just how much sexual history I have made my stomach churn. What if he found it all so disgusting? What if he starts looking at me differently once he knows how many people I've been with? Most of my former flames are in my social circle and now that we're together he's bound to meet them too. The fear of him meeting all those people clawed at my insides, threatening to suffocate me even more.
"Baby?" Orion's voice cut through my thoughts, gentle yet insistent.
"Huh? What did you say?" I asked, feeling disoriented as I snapped back into the moment, the soft glow of the room reminding me that I wasn't alone.
"I was trying to tell you I'd finish drying your hair," he said, sitting beside me on the large bed, concern etched on his face. "You're not paying attention to anything I'm saying. You're not acting like yourself either. What's going on?"
His words wrapped around me like a noose, tightening with every beat of my heart. Panic surged within me. We'd just come out of the shower, and when I sat down for him to dry my hair, I let my thoughts drift away. How could I let this happen? He definitely knows that something is up by now. How could I be so stupid?
"Nothing! I'm just tired from our trip. Maybe we should check out the sauna tomorrow after all," I offered with a forced smile, hoping to throw him off the scent of my internal turmoil.
He studied me for a long moment, his brow furrowing in that adorable way that made my heart flutter. "Alright," he said softly, pushing me gently so I was lying back on the bed. "I'll have them bring our dinner later. You should get some rest."
Just as he started to stand, a sudden rush of fear gripped me. "Wait, don't go! Just...stay with me," I blurted out, and I cringed inwardly at how desperate my voice sounded.
He hesitated, then nodded and climbed into the bed next to me, wrapping his arms around my body. "I'm right here," he said, pressing a reassuring kiss to my head. "I'm not going anywhere."
The warmth of his embrace was like sunlight breaking through the clouds, and yet, beneath it all, I felt guilty. It was selfish of me to cling to him like this when I'd been with so many people. I love him so much that it hurts to even think that he might not want me anymore if he found out about Kai or the many others. My heart raced as I wrestled with the thoughts of telling him.
I have to tell him, right? I shouldn't keep him in the dark anymore. But how? How could I put those words into the air without shattering the bliss we had built together?
"What if he found out himself?" The thought echoed in my mind, stabbing at my resolve. My breath hitched as I gazed up at the ceiling, searching for the right words between the cracks. I couldn't ruin this. Not now. Not when I felt so alive with him.
"Hey," Orion's voice broke through my thoughts again, pulling me back from the edge of my spiraling anxiety. "It's okay to sleep if you're tired. I'll be here when you wake up, okay?"
"I don't really feel sleepy," I whispered, forcing a smile, though my heart felt heavy. "I'm just…I'm just trying to gather my thoughts."
"You can share them with me," He shifted slightly to look into my eyes, his gaze steady and warm. "You can tell me anything, you know that, right? Whatever it is we can figure it out together."
Those words poured over me like honey, sweet yet sticky. I felt the weight of my past pressing down on my chest, and for a moment, I was torn between love and fear. How could I explain all the complicated mess that was my past without dragging it into our beautiful present?
"Orion, I…" I began, hesitating, my heart pounding louder with each second. It felt like standing at the edge of a cliff, the wind whispering caution in my ear. I tried to gather my courage, my thoughts scattered like leaves in the breeze. "What we have is beautiful, like nothing I've ever had with anyone before. I just don't want to mess this up. I'm afraid I might."
His brows knitted together, and I could see the concern etched on his face. "What are you talking about? You could never mess anything up. You are absolutely perfect and you mean the world to me." he said smiling at me genuinely.
My heart swelled with so much love for him as he looked into my eyes, I felt tears pricking at the corners of my eyes. "You have been nothing but good to me even though I've only caused you trouble since we met." I confessed and Orion shook his head gently.
"Oh, love," he said softly, pulling me closer and kissing my forehead gently, as if he could shield me from my own fears. "I don't want you to ever think that way again. Everything that has happened since we met was completely out of our control and that's done now. What matters is that we have each other still…we choose to be together because we're in love." he said looking into my eyes and I couldn't help but nod in agreement.
"I know having such thoughts can be overwhelming sometimes especially if you keep them inside, that's why you should always talk to me whenever you're feeling like this. I'll always listen and be here for you." Orion said and his reassuring words washed over me, but the gnawing doubt lingered. What if I couldn't live up to what he saw in me? I took a deep, shaky breath as I clung tighter to him.
"I promise I'll talk to you," I said, trying to keep my voice from trembling.
"Whenever you're ready, I'll be here," he whispered, and I felt a flicker of hope ignite within me. I'll tell him about Kai and the rest tomorrow.
For now, I just want to hold on to him, savoring this moment of comfort. I will take this night and gather my thoughts. I want him to know I'm no longer the same person I was months ago and most importantly I don't want my past to hurt him.