I still hadn't talked to my grandfather. It had been two days since the argument and I couldn't face him. There was no reason for me to not feel guilty. I had said some things I didn't mean in the heat of the moment. I had gone too far.
Meals were especially awkward. I would look down at my plate as I ate and then hurriedly leave. Breakfast today was no different. I hadn't joined in on prayer either. It felt wrong for some reason.
I decided to visit an old spot I hadn't been to in months. It was one filled with memories. So perhaps it could calm me down.
I let out a sigh as I took a seat next to the creek. The water was as clear as crystals and it flowed at a fast pace. I could see the small fish following along the creek to who knows where. Perhaps that would be me one day.
Following a set path with no way of leaving it if I didn't wish to die. Brushing that thought aside, I began to admire the sights again.
This was another one of my favorite spots. Lorna, Cecilia, and I had discovered this as children and used it to meet up. Those days are gone now. I've even noticed how Cecilia became distant. I think only I cared about our dream now. It hurt me in some way.
Maybe I was childish but I thought, even with getting older, that she would be by my side for this. Another part of me believed perhaps she just didn't care about Lorna. That made me angry.
"I might be going solo on this journey…" I groaned out as I took a seat.
Sitting in this creek brought back a lot of memories, good and bad. I stood up from my sitting position and began to walk along the creek. I let out a sight as I passed the area where we used to dig for buried treasure. It was foolish but we were too young to know that.
'I feel like a loser..'
Here I was reminiscing like an old warrior but I couldn't even stand up for myself to my grandparents. I lacked courage. A farm boy, lacking in courage, wants to be a soldier. How droll.
'That's it.' I thought, trying to hype myself up. 'I'm going to stand before grandpa and put my foot down.'
No matter what happened, even if my grandparents hated me, I would stand my ground.
The walk to my house felt like an eternity. I used that time to build up the courage. That courage disappeared once I stood on the porch before my grandfather, though. He was rocking in his chair. His expression was sullen.
All the courage I had built up felt as if it would falter. I couldn't allow that.
"Grandfather… I came to apologize for what I said. It was uncalled for."
He didn't reply but I could see his burgundy eyes turn in my direction. There. I apologized for what I said. Now I could get to the root of the issue. I needed him to understand. I wanted him to.
"However, I'm not going to give up being a soldier." I said. I could feel my grandfather's eyes peering into my own. I would not give in. "I have the chance to earn respect, to become someone. I could be like Nilter the Immovable."
His sullen expression seemed to worsen. My grandfather turned away from me after that. The frown on his face added even more wrinkles to his already aged face. There even seemed to be some gray in his hair. I didn't think I had stressed him out this much. I felt guilty in that moment but continued on anyway. It was like watching someone relive their saddest moments.
It seemed like he was contemplating what to say. As if there were a plethora of words he could say.
"Is that why you want to spill blood?" He asked.
"It's not about spilling blood! It's about the-"
"Glory?" Grandpa asked. "You want to feel powerful and important, Esther. That's not what a man should aspire for."
I couldn't understand him. A man was supposed to be strong, right? How else would strength be recognized, if not through power and fame? Even my own father had pursued the same thing! As bad as he may be, he was known as the strongest knight in the Queen's Iks Sector.
"A man should use his power for those he loves. Not for himself, Es." He said. "If you don't understand that… then you will die before that dream can come true."
I felt mad. He was being a hypocrite! He had entered the army for a selfish reason. He had entered the army to become a husband. Why was my reason any worse? I wanted to become somebody!
"Why can't you just support my dream…?" I said.
My teeth were clenched in frustration. I felt like a caged animal. I wanted to be somebody! Because if I stayed a no name nobody then I knew I would never be happy with my life. I went to yell but my grandfather beat me to it.
"Twins twice damned, Esther, you're acting just like your father!" He shouted. "Chasing after power. For what? You have so many people around you! People who love you!"
I didn't know what to say. I knew that. It didn't mean I couldn't pursue something greater. I had always known that love was there.
'No, you didn't.' A traitorous thought said.
Even then it wasn't enough. Everyone in town was doing something that they were happy with! Being who they wanted. Why couldn't I do the same?
'Am I being too greedy…? Too selfish?' I questioned while looking down to the ground.
It seemed my grandfather wasn't done with it yet. He grabbed both of my shoulders while forcing me to look him in the eyes. I could see a myriad of emotions. The most prevalent was worry.
"You don't need to be powerful to be happy!" He whispered softly. "Please just think about this. If you do pursue this dream. Make sure it's for the right reasons."
He removed his hands from my shoulders before going back inside the house.
I stood there staring blankly. I needed time to think about this.
I stepped off of the porch and made my way for the town. I had entered town without realizing it. My steps automatically carried me in the direction of Cecilia's house. It felt like time had passed by quickly as I already reached the center of town.
The beautiful stone fountain distracted me for a few moments as a family of three walked up to it. The parents watched as the daughter threw a coin in. The parents began to talk with her animatedly before walking around the fountain towards who knows where.
I felt envious of them.
'Maybe, I can speak to her about this.' I thought to myself.
A familiar giggle halted me. Turning in the direction it came from, I saw something that made me hurt, It was Cecilia. She was all over one of the other teens who lived in the village. Smiling shyly while she hugged his arms. She laughed at some joke he made but I didn't stay to find out what.
Why was I hurting? I didn't even feel like talking to her anymore. There was no energy in my body. I'd let my future self deal with it.
My mind wandered back to my conversation with my grandfather. His talk about power not equating happiness. It was so confusing. Had I come to the wrong conclusion? Perhaps.
I was met with silence when entering my home. My grandparents were most likely napping. It was the afternoon. They were always resting around this time due to managing the farm which was down the road.
Walking over to the grand piano that was in the family room, I took a seat and opened the fall-board.
This piano had been in my grandmother's family for generations. Her mother, her mother's mother, and even farther back had used this piano. The life span of this piano amazed me due to it being almost two hundred years old. I used to play this piano with Ceclia and Lorna watching me but now…
My fingers hovered over the keys before I covered the keys once more. I swore to myself I wouldn't play the piano again until I found Lorna.
'I think I should just get some sleep…'
I removed myself from the piano seat and put it back under the piano. Walking out of the family room, I climbed the stairs and entered my room. I didn't even take off my clothes for my night clothes. I just kicked my shoes off and plopped into the bed.
'Let's hope I wake up with a less guilty conscience…' I thought as my consciousness drifted away into the realm of dreams.