Tue. 19/09, 06:39
Tora was lying on his bed, his eyes wide open. He hadn't slept a wink all night. Sometimes, he would go without sleep entirely, and when he did manage to sleep, he would wake up abruptly several times. This had been going on for weeks… maybe even months ? He wasn't quite sure anymore. Shut away in his room, he had lost all sense of time.
At least he had started eating again, even though his diet remained irregular due to the random hours at which he woke up. And he had also resumed the exercises in his daily routine.
But that didn't mean he was in great shape, on the contrary. His dark circles, already deeply marked, were now impossible to miss, giving him the appearance of a walking corpse. Sometimes, he would close his eyelids for a moment, only to open them slowly again. He wasn't trying to sleep, but neither was he trying to stay awake. It was hard to understand. His head hurt so much that he felt like it was going to implode any second. Even though he took medication, it only provided temporary relief from the pain. He was exhausted, dying to sleep. But that choice was no longer his. No matter how long he kept his eyes closed, he couldn't make it happen. His mind was constantly invaded by intrusive thoughts he couldn't get rid of.
Having spent most of his life alone, he had gotten used to talking to himself in his head. But this time, it was different. It was as if there was someone else, a sort of squatter, who would occasionally make their presence known. Well… that was one way to put it. Let's just say that Tora had two distinct opinions, which would suddenly surface to argue with each other, without asking for his input. Yes, that explanation seemed the most plausible.
But how could he be sure ? These were just assumptions, scenarios he made up to avoid spiraling. It was easier this way. Otherwise, he would have surely gone mad. After all… how could Daniel talk to him ? It was impossible. No. It wasn't him.
All it took was thinking about him to see him. He was there, at the other end of the room, staring silently. His right eye was nothing more than a dark, sinister hole, where an eyeball or a knife should have been for some unknown reason. He wore no expression. It was only when Tora imagined him angry that his features would finally shift, contorted by rage. Sometimes, he saw him sad. Other times, he saw him dead. Completely dead.
Tora blinked several times.
But he didn't disappear.
— Why did you kill me ? Daniel complained.
The same question. Over and over again. Why was he trying to know? He was already dead… couldn't he just accept that ?
— I don't know, Tora replied, a bitter taste in his throat.
— You just don't want to say it.
— I didn't have a choice…
— That's a lie! And you know it !
Tora lowered his gaze, unable to bear that look full of judgment.
— Why… why ? If it's not that, then what could it be ? If you know, could you just tell me ?
Daniel sighed.
— It's up to you to admit your mistakes. Don't use others to escape your responsibilities.
— I know.
— If you already knew, then why ask me ? It's shameful.
Tora's gaze swept the floor, going left to right like the pendulum of a clock. But all he saw was dust, certainly not answers.
His eyelids grew heavier.
— I… I don't know.
— Is there anything else you can say, besides that ?
— I… (he sighed) I don't know.
— You're not even trying anymore. Of course you know how to speak. What you say makes no sense.
Tora turned his head away.
— Leave me alone.
— Easy to say. Why didn't you do the same for me that day, huh ? We could've gotten through it, the two of us.
— Because I was scared.
— I don't believe you.
— I don't know anymore, then.
— Convenient ! Is your conscience at peace, at least?
— No.
— Then your stupidity knows no bounds.
— Don't judge me.
— That's ironic. You can only blame yourself.
— I know.
When Tora turned his head, Daniel was no longer there. He had never been there, anyway. So it wasn't all that surprising.
He wasn't a ghost, nor a hallucination. Just Tora himself. The part of him that embodied his remorse and sorrow. It was an inner conflict.
He couldn't escape his own mind. Every time he imagined Daniel speaking to him, it was actually just intrusive thoughts, coming from his own subconscious.