Cohn wasn't planning to head back just yet.
In broad daylight, a Dementor drifting from the sea to Azkaban was just "going home." But one floating from Azkaban to the coast? That'd be a full-on terror attack.
So he decided to wait for nightfall and slip away under cover of darkness.
After leaving the prisoner area, Cohn found an empty room on the top floor.
Over centuries, anything worth taking from this fortress had long been looted. Even the floor tiles had been pried up. Cohn figured the original owner, the mad wizard Ekrizdis, must've carved runes into them, making the flooring valuable loot too.
He set down his suitcase and prepared to climb inside to kill some time.
Sunlight, wide-open plains, rivers, and caves.
Stepping into his suitcase felt like returning to the living world. Azkaban's scenery was all gloom and ruin. Sure, the Dementors' vibe was cozy for Cohn, but stare at it too long and it got old.
Earl flat-out refused to fly into Azkaban with him, even after Cohn assured him regular Dementors wouldn't mess with animals. No dice. So Cohn had stashed him in the suitcase.
Earl was probably in Cohn's house right now—Ali too. He wondered if they'd gotten into another scrap. Earl and Ali never got along, thanks to a language barrier and Earl's big mouth.
*Creak—*
Cohn pushed the door open and stepped inside.
No sign of Earl in the living room—but there was some noise coming from the study where Ali hung out.
Were they fighting?
Or…
A bad feeling crept up on Cohn. Earl's love life was a perpetual trainwreck, and a lone guy and girl sharing a room…
When Cohn entered the study, a chain reaction kicked off: an overdone invisibility spell made an entire wall vanish, revealing Norbert's cave and an empty sheep pen outside; Earl flapped his wings in a panic, unsure what to do; Ali shot up from lying down to standing, all jittery—
"How's your kid back so soon?!"
Earl squawked at Ali in horror.
**[Didn't you say you were off for some big plan?]**
Ali avoided Cohn's gaze.
"Quit acting like you're sneaking around behind my back. I can smell the butterbeer," Cohn said icily. "And cheating with booze isn't much better than cheating with each other."
**[I couldn't help it!]**
Ali protested.
"I was just trying it out!" Earl scrambled for an excuse. "I just got dumped again!"
"Is Hedwig the only female owl in all of Britain?" Cohn snapped. "Don't dress up your pathetic simping like it's some noble tragedy!"
"And you, Ali! I wanted us to be a chill, friendly little crew, so I didn't *order* you to quit drinking! It's not like it's a life-or-death betrayal—"
Cohn wheeled on Ali.
"Do you think I'm holding back on booze because I'm too cheap?"
**[Uh… isn't it?]**
"I'm protecting your health—mental *and* physical!" Cohn growled, exasperated. "What kind of evil creature turns into a lush? And you're getting drunk easier these days! Your tolerance is dropping—unlike every other creature, where it goes up the more they drink. You? The more you chug, the faster you're toast. Keep this up, and you'll rot away, turn into a mindless wreck rampaging around, and I'll have to put down the last Nightmare in the world myself."
"So I *can* drink?" Earl piped up, curious. "My tolerance keeps going up—"
"Alcohol messes up your kidneys," Cohn said flatly.
Earl's face froze in terror.
"I care about you guys so much, and you all treat my words like hot air," Cohn said, disappointed. "Norbert's the only one with any sense. I tell him to eat sheep, and he sticks to one at a time—"
Cohn cut off mid-sentence as it hit him: something was missing in this suitcase.
He stared out through the now-transparent wall—accidentally zapped that way by either Earl or Ali—at Norbert's cave and the sheep pen.
The sheep pen was empty… totally empty…
"He's not exactly a model dragon either," Earl said with a wicked edge. "Not much better than us. You've gotta admit pets aren't that easy to raise."
Moments later, Norbert, Ali, and Earl stood lined up outside by size.
Norbert, looking apologetic, nudged a charred sheep toward Cohn with its head. Then it gingerly pawed the ground with its front legs and hung its head low—
"You son of a—You actually moved me!"
Cohn exploded, swearing for once.
"I gave you over *three hundred* sheep! You ate them *all*?! It's been, what, a few days?!"
"How am I supposed to keep up with this? Other dragons live it rough—sleeping in caves, eating once every few months. I let you have three or four a day, and that's not enough? Ever heard of sustainability? Couldn't you leave a couple behind?!"
"But nooo, you scarf down all three hundred in one go? What's your plan—hope the sheep bones hook up and make baby lambs for you to eat? Playing pitiful won't work—I'm a Dementor, I don't *feel* emotions!"
Norbert looked like a scolded kitten—but Cohn knew it was the "sorry, but I'd do it again" type.
"Three hundred in a day? Fine, sleep in your cave for the next six months. No more food for you."
"And you, Earl—quit snickering over there. Drink your stolen booze all you want, but if you end up barren, don't expect me to take you to a vet."
"And Ali, you—"
**[I'm your mom.]**
"Then I'll inject you with my blood and be your dad," Cohn shot back.
"No family titles during work hours. I called you 'mom' last time because the 'charge-in-like-a-mom' move was cool. No more drinking—pick a healthy hobby every normal unicorn has."
**[They all love drinking now too.]**
"…"
---
After chewing out all three pets, Cohn barely resisted the urge to blast them all to bits.
Not one of them was easy. Disobedient brats—especially Norbert.
He'd had this perfect plan: sheep eat grass, dragon eats sheep, dragon poops, poop feeds grass. A flawless ecosystem. But Norbert couldn't control his greedy maw.
Plan B: starve him for a bit to teach him a lesson.
The butterbeer Ali and Earl had swiped from somewhere got confiscated, and Cohn laid down the law with a stern warning.
Leaving that headache behind, Cohn shifted back into Dementor form and returned to Azkaban.
But this time, a new Dementor he hadn't seen before was floating around outside.
It looked a size smaller than the others—Cohn had assumed all Dementors were identical.
**[Daddy?]**
"???"
**(End of Chapter)**