[ April 5th, 2013 ]
"Theo, Nicholas!" I call out with a smile, raising my hand in greeting. He came with Nicholas. They're together, as always. It's never just one of them—it's always the two. I should be used to it by now.
"Heeeyyyy! Abbyyy!" Theo shouts back, his voice carrying over the chatter of our classmates. Nicholas, standing beside him, gives a small wave, his usual composed demeanor softened by Theo's energy.
I catch the way he smiles—really smiles. It's rare, but Theo has always been the one to bring that out of him. A warmth only he can ignite. I hate that I notice it. I hate that it makes something tighten in my chest.
"You know, I can hear you just fine without you yelling," I tease, trying to push past the feeling.
Theo just chuckles, unbothered. Nicholas laughs too, alongside him—his quiet, reserved laugh that somehow makes the air feel lighter, as if it could only be brought out by Theo. They exist so comfortably in each other's presence, like two halves of a whole, and for a second, I wonder if I'm even supposed to be here.
The field trip is supposed to be educational. That's what they tell us.
"A hands-on learning experience."
But the only thing I seem to be learning is how easy it is for some people to take up space in the world, to reach for things they want without hesitation. I don't know what that's like. I never had that kind of support. I didn't grow up with it.
They're my friends, so why does it feel like I'm intruding? I don't dislike them, but I don't like them either. At least, not in the way I think I should. It's funny.
"Oi, Abigail! Get over here, we got some grub!" Theo calls, already sitting on a green-checkered picnic mat. "I'm starving! Stoked our advisor let us grab a feed before all the activities."
Nicholas nods, setting out containers. "Yeah. It's better this way. I'd rather eat before doing anything else."
"Says the guy who scoffed all my chips in the van before we even got here, ya pelican," Theo quips, shooting Nicholas a playful glare.
"Theo, do you have to expose me like that?"
They teased each other.
I force out a chuckle, sitting down with them. They're so natural with each other, effortlessly weaving their inside jokes, their understanding that only they know. It's irritating, but I don't blame them. They were much closer before they met me. Meanwhile, I feel like I'm always just a few steps behind, like I'll never quite belong in the same way they do with each other.
Harboring these feelings, I feel like such an antagonist.
Is it wrong to feel this way? To let these emotions fester beneath my skin, curling like smoke in my lungs? I try to push them down, to smother them with reason, but they claw their way back up, relentless.
I only want attention.
I don't just want attention—I crave it. But not just from anyone.
I needed it from someone who already had a whole galaxy in their eyes when they looked at someone else. Someone whose world revolved around another, whose every breath, every heartbeat, pulsed for someone that wasn't me.
"You shouldn't think like that," I tell myself, but the words feel hollow, like an empty promise I've broken a thousand times.
Maybe it's pathetic. Maybe it's selfish.
But I wanted to know—just once—what it felt like to be the center of their universe. To have them look at me, just for a second, as if I was something worth orbiting.
Even if it meant nothing.
"You two brought a ridiculous amount of food," I say, eyeing the spread in front of them. "It's like you're here just to have a buffet." At least I'm happy with them, despite my shortcomings.
Theo grins, completely unashamed. "Ah, don't be like that, Abby! Food's essential for livin'! Ain't that the whole point of this trip? To get why tucker's so important?" He gestures dramatically, as if he's delivering some profound speech.
Nicholas snorts, shaking his head. "You just want an excuse to eat as much as you can."
"And? What's wrong with that, mate?" Theo wiggles his eyebrows, stuffing a piece of bread into his mouth with exaggerated glee. I watch them banter, their laughter intertwining, their presence so in sync it almost feels unfair. I'm here. Sitting with them. Laughing with them. When I stare at them, it's as if the ground pulls me into a distance farther from them. Getting far... and far... and far away. Like there's a gap I can't seem to close.
And the worst part? I don't even know if I want to anymore.
That night, the three of us snuck out of our tents, moving as quietly as we could, as if exhaustion didn't clung to our bones. The day's activities had drained us.
Hours of hiking, team-building exercises, and lectures from our instructors—but the thrill of breaking the rules was enough to keep us going, especially Theo. He's the most energetic guy I know.

We went to Wisher Lake. Wisher Lake lay far beyond the camping grounds, untouched by the artificial lights of the main site. As soon as we reached it, the weight of the day melted away. It was just us and the water, the night sky stretching endlessly above. The lake was still, like a sheet of black glass, reflecting the moon in bits of silver ripples.
I felt so carefree that I had forgotten about my thoughts earlier.
Theo was the first to pull us forward, holding Nicholas as he led the way. Nicholas held my hand back, us being a single thread. We waded in, the cold biting at our ankles, but there was something strangely soothing about it. Kind of like the lake was welcoming us. We could have brought some coats, but why should I when feeling Nicholas's hand was more than enough? My cheeks had already burned up at the thought.
"Bloody hell, it's dark, haha!" Theo muttered, pointing out the obvious.
Nicholas let out a quiet chuckle before sitting down at the edge, dipping his feet in. I hesitated before settling beside him, keeping just enough distance between us. I didn't know why. Maybe I did. He was sitting next to Theo closely. Maybe that's why I got nervous, as if I'm going to interrupt the proximity fate had given them.
"We won't get caught?" I asked, speaking to break the silence.
"Ah, take it easy, Abby."
"Worst case, we get scolded. It's not like they'll kill us for sneakin' out." Theo said, kicking at the water.
I laughed, but the nervousness in my stomach didn't settle. Something about the night—the stillness, the way our reflections swayed on the water—made everything feel heavier than it should.
I never asked for anything, but when I do, I always get bad luck. I stare at Nicholas, but he never once glances at me. The moonlight illuminated his features.
Apparently, that's what he thought of Theo.
Then Nicholas spoke with no uncertainty, "So we're skinny dipping?"
I snapped my head toward Nicholas, but he just stared at the water, unreadable.
"Oi, where'd ya get that idea?" Theo let out a breathless laugh. "Ever since you started hangin' out with us, you've gotten braver."
My stomach twisted at that. I glanced again at Nicholas, but he wouldn't meet my eyes at all. As if he waited for Theo's approval.
He used to be scared of everything. Nicholas didn't even try to climb up a tree with me when we were kids, or running too fast downhill, and even sneaking out like this. I remembered being the one to push him, to nudge him forward when he hesitated. But now, it was different.
It's because of you, Theo.
[FLASHBACK]
"Come play with me up here, Nic! Come on! I can catch you when you fall!"
"No way I'm going up there! There might be biting ants! My mom says so! A-and I'mma get splinters!"
"Nic, it's just a tree, it's harmless!"
"No... I'm not going there."
Now, he was the one suggesting we jump into the water with nothing on, as if fear had never once held him back.
Something about that felt unfair.
Or maybe, I just didn't like that he had changed for someone else.
"You do know that I'm still a female, right?" I say, my voice wavering slightly.
Nicholas meets my gaze and reassures me. "Don't worry, Abby. We won't think badly of you." He's making sure I understand that none of this is weird to them.
Theo grins, nudging me lightly with his elbow. "Yeah, we used to go to the pools all the time." His easygoing attitude makes it seem like this is nothing more than another childhood memory in the making. "That's not even—" I sigh. "Alright. Let's do this."
There's a moment of hesitation before we all start peeling off our clothes, the air nipping at my skin. It's dark enough that details blur together, not even visible. Our figures only shadows in the moonlight. There's no judgment, no second glances—just the quiet understanding that, for once, we can exist outside of the rules we've always known. How I love being young, I think. This reckless kind of freedom, it won't last forever.
"Woohoo!" Theo is the first to leap into the water, his voice echoing into the trees before he crashes beneath the surface. Nicholas watches, unimpressed, but the corners of his lips twitch up when Theo resurfaces, gasping dramatically. "You know you could still get hypothermia—ahhh!" His words turn into a yelp as Theo grabs his wrist and yanks him under.
I laugh despite myself, the sound slipping out before I can stop it.
Nicholas sputters when he comes back up, his teeth already chattering. "Well, it was your idea, wasn't it?" Theo teases, shaking water from his hair.
"I guess.. brr.. God, why did I even say that."
"C'mon, Abby! Join us!" Theo calls, stretching his arms wide like he's about to embrace the whole lake.
I hesitate for a second longer before stepping forward, the wet earth cool beneath my feet. I dip my toes in first, the water sending a sharp chill through my legs. A shiver runs up my spine as I submerge.
"Not so bad, right?" Theo grins, watching me.
I smirk, rolling my eyes. "Give me a second before you start gloating."
Nicholas huffs, rubbing his arms. "I don't know why I let you two talk me into this. I was only kidding."
"Because you secretly love it," Theo jokes, throwing an arm over his shoulder.
And maybe we all do. Maybe there's something about this night, about the way the world feels so far away, that makes everything else disappear.
But,
I watch them,
wrapped in each other's warmth again.
The way their voices soften, the way their eyes linger—
it isn't just friendship anymore, is it?
No, not the kind I've known. Not the kind I've had.
Am I the only one who sees it?
Or have they all been pretending not to notice,
choosing ignorance over acknowledgment?
Maybe I've always been too aware,
cursed with the habit of catching the shifts,
the way hands reach but hesitate,
the way words carry more meaning they never used to.
It's not envy. Not quite.
But there's a sting to it, a simple ache of mine no one could understand.
Like standing outside in the cold,
watching warmth bloom just beyond the glass.
Watching Nicholas feel better with Theo.
After we had our fun, we wandered to a nearby cliff, settling on the edge. The night air was crisp, carrying the scent of the lake from behind. Up here, away from the hum of the city, the stars looked brighter, more alive. I tilted my head back, letting my gaze drift across the endless sky.
"Light pollution?" Nicholas asked, following my line of sight. His voice was quieter now, as if he didn't want to disturb the serenity. "Crazy how much it changes things."
Theo exhaled, stretching his legs out in front of him. "Yeah. I vividly remember where I used to live before movin' here," he said, eyes reflecting the constellations above.
"Near the ocean, right? Byron Bay in Australia?" I recalled. "You told us all about it." He always spoke of that place like it was some kind of dreamland.
"Yep," he confirmed, a smirk tugging at his lips. "My place was amazing—not to brag."
"You are bragging," Nicholas teased.
"Yeah, well, it deserves to be bragged about," Theo shot back, grinning. "I could see every single star in the sky. No city lights drowning them out. It felt... infinite. Once, I even saw a shooting star. It was insane."
Nicholas chuckles at his enthusiasm.
"Did you make a wish?" I turned to face him.
"Yeah, what did you wish for, Theodore?"
Theo didn't hesitate. "To have friends like you." Silence settled between us, the weight of his words pressing down like the night sky itself. I stole a glance at Nicholas, who blinked, taken aback. His usual sarcastic edge softened into something almost vulnerable.
"You—" Nicholas cleared his throat. "You mean that?"
Theo turned to him, sincerity written all over his face. "'Course, mate. Why wouldn't I? There were a lot of people in Byron Bay, but I..."
He takes a deep breath. "I still prefer being with you guys."
Something about the way he said it, so effortlessly, so honestly, made it all genuine. I never thought much about how we all ended up here—how chance, or fate, or whatever, had thrown us into each other's lives. But hearing Theo say it like that made it feel... special.
So that's why Nicholas likes him. It makes sense now. The way he listens, the way he carries himself. It's no wonder Nicholas trusts him so much.
"That's good to hear," I add, smiling at the two of them, though there's a strange weight pressing down on my chest.
Conversations like this with my friends make me forget. They make me forget about that time, that event—the one that still claws at the edges of my mind, waiting for a moment of weakness to pull me back under. The time I endured every single day of my childhood. But with Theo and Nicholas, I feel safe. Like I belong. Like I don't have to look over my shoulder every second of the day.
Yet, there were still a few flaws.

For a while, none of us say anything. We just sit there, staring at the sky, letting the silence wrap around us like a blanket. We needed that. A bunch of teenagers who knew too much of the world. The stars blink down, and I wonder if they're listening, if they can hear the things we don't say out loud.
Then, after a few minutes, I sigh and stretch, breaking the quiet. "We should probably head back to the—"
My words die in my throat.
I freeze.
Nicholas is leaning against Theo, his head resting on his shoulder, breathing slow and steady. Asleep. Peaceful. Completely at ease in Theo's presence. And Theo… he doesn't move. He just sits there, his gaze soft as he watches over Nicholas, as if this is the most natural thing in the world.
Something in my chest stung.
"...tent," I finish in a whisper, barely forcing the word out.
I don't want to wake Nicholas. I don't want to disturb this moment between them. But more than that—I don't want to acknowledge the storm of emotions surging inside me. Not wanting to expose my own feelings suppressing inside.
I lower my gaze, clenching my hands into fists in my lap. It's stupid. It's selfish. Over and over again. Selfish me. Stupid me.
Why can I never receive something like this?
But then again, Nicholas deserves this warmth, this comfort, and Theo… Theo has always been the kind of person who makes people feel safe.
I would always realize.
I am never the first one. Even if I'm just a friend. Not the first priority.
And yet, in the quiet of my own heart, again I say:
You're so lucky, Theo.