All Evren Kim can see when he opens his hazel-brown eyes are white walls surrounding him from all sides. He blinks owlishly, still in a daze. A yawn escapes his lips and he stifles it with his bony pale hand. He languidly sits up against the cold metal head of his bed and stares briefly at the ceiling. Just like the walls, it's also painted white. Evren thinks that his life in the hospital would have been a whole lot better if the walls and ceiling were painted with bright colors–like yellow and orange maybe, the colors of a dazzling, blazing sun. The smell of antiseptic and other sterile chemicals linger in the air, something Evren is used to inhaling. The door to his room creaks open and a nurse takes a peek through it. "Oh, you're awake?" she asks, smiling politely. She enters with a tray, carefully closing the door behind her shut with the heel of her foot. "Good morning Evren! How are you feeling right now, breathing fine?" She places the tray on a circular table near Evren's bed, humming as she prepares his breakfast. Evren gives her a small smile. "Morning nurse," he yawns. "Mm, I feel..." Evren ponders about it, knitting his eyebrows together. He's breathing normally, his heart thumps softly, and his chest doesn't feel tight. "Fine...yeah, I feel better than a couple of days ago." He pats his chest as if to reaffirm it. He nods.
"I don't feel anything–" He pauses. "So far."
The nurse smiles softly at him. "Good to know, just tell me if you feel your chest tighten or if you can't breathe. Got it?"
"Yes, nurse."
Evren lifts the covers of his blanket aside and rests his feet on the icy marble floor. He shivers slightly and slips his feet into soft and fluffy slippers situated below his bed. He gives in to the warm sensation his slippers have to offer, content. "Do you need assistance with walking?" the nurse inquires, taking the tray after putting Evren's breakfast on the table. Evren shakes his head. "Nope, I can do it just fine. Thanks." He gets up from his bed and walks towards the table filled with simple but nutritious food. He cannot eat any food as he pleases like the others such as fried foods and sweets, his heart might get affected negatively so his diet is strictly monitored. He sits down on his chair and begins eating slowly, he gets easily full if he eats too fast or too much. "I will be right here if you need me," the nurse reminds him, leaving the room and closing the door. The room is met with silence and Evren slumps in his chair, eating much slower than earlier. He looks at his food forlornly, as if it can understand what is consuming his mind. Plainandtoohealthyasusual. He thinks to himself somberly. Even with the air conditioner on, Evren feels sweaty and his clothes are sticking on his skin as if it's glued to him. Disgusted and uncomfortable, he opens the latch of the windows next to him and a fresh wave of air breezes through the room welcomingly, the curtains flutter, and the sun smiles warmly at him. There. Allbetter.
He sits back down and finishes his meal. Once he's done, he goes to the bathroom, washes his face with freezing water to fully wake him up, brushes his teeth, takes a shower, and changes into a new pair of clothes–that's also white. Really, it would be perfectly fine if only the walls and ceilings are white but why does his clothes have to be white too? Does the medical staff here have an obsession with the color white in general? Evren dries his soft and messy black hair with a yellow towel, grateful that at least the towel isn't also white. He might sue the person who invented the color white at this rate. He plops back on his bed and lays there for a few hours, not moving and not thinking, his mind blank. Tired of staring at the ceiling and tired of the silence that accompanies his room, something that has been a part of his routine, he pushes himself up from the bed and grabs the remote on his bedside table. He turns it on and the room is instantly filled with the noises of the television.
Evren smiles, thankful for the all-too-familiar voices and music for accompanying him. A highschool movie from the late 2000's plays and Evren takes a pillow and embraces it, his eyes focused on the screen.
He watches the same thing that has been playing repeatedly for ages, quietly observing. The main character struggles to live their normal life, they face challenges, dramas, and unnecessary gossips at school, they break the rules with zero hesitancy, they bond with their friends, they lament over quizzes and exams, they go to places that their parents might have forbidden them from visiting, they welcome their fun and chaotic life as if it's something they're already used to experiencing, and generally just getting to act like a regular teenager. And Evren wonders if he will ever get to be like one at all. Is it normal for a 16-year-old like him to be confined within the walls of the hospital? Probably not. He has never stepped outside of the hospital, not even once nor has he ever lived in a house. Instead, he lives in a hospital known as the Heart Center Hospital. He has lived here for his entire life ever since he was born–Evren can practically call it his home.
Evren was born with a severe case of Tetralogy of Fallot or also known as TOF, a heart condition. It makes it difficult for a person to get sufficient oxygen in their body because of the four abnormalities in their heart's structure. Usually, when a baby has TOF, they get treated with a full operation on the heart and most babies who have TOF have successful surgeries and live till adulthood. Compared to other babies, Evren was unusually weaker and smaller hence he couldn't have an operation to treat it right away. He only got treated with a temporary surgery before the doctors and surgeons could do a complete repair.
The doctors told Evren's parents that they first have to wait for the right opportunity to perform surgery on Evren's heart. His parents thought it would be best if Evren stays in the hospital for further monitoring before getting a full surgery, overwhelmed with the fear that Evren might not be able to make it in the outside world. In their desperate attempts to protect him, they left him in the care of his doctors and nurses. They couldn't trust themselves to take care of Evren as they are quite the busy entrepreneurs who keep on travelling to various places for business. And they especially couldn't trust the servants and maids in their mansion to leave Evren in their care–it would be too risky. One minor slip-up and Evren's life could get easily lost.
As Evren grew older, the doctors decided it would be best to perform a complete operation as he was in the perfect optimal condition to have one. While performing surgery however, the surgeons had noticed that there were other abnormalities aside from the 4 main ones in Evren's heart unlike the other children who have TOF. They quickly patched him up and stopped the surgery, afraid that Evren's health might only deteriorate if they continued. They treated him using other means for the meantime to keep him steady and alive, waiting for the precise time to perform the surgery. Up till now, Evren still doesn't have complete surgery. His health can either drastically improve that his doctors are moved to tears and think that he might actually have a fair chance of getting better–or plummets that leaves the doctors frantic.
Evren is a special case in the history of children born with TOF. He has his life dangling on a bare thread and if he isn't careful enough, he can fall towards his impending doom anytime. The doctors are researching the abnormalities present in Evren's heart, it wasn't like the TOF they have ever seen before.
And that's the reason why Evren lives in a hospital, not having a single clue on what life outside the hospital is like. He doesn't know if he should resent his parents' overprotectiveness and rash decision to let him live in a hospital, his frustrating heart condition, or perhaps the world. All he knows is that till he gets a surgery, he will be forever stuck within the white walls of the hospital, trapping him in a cage like a dove.
Evren likes to indulge himself in his daydreams as a way to cope with his boring hospital life. He imagines a life where he wasn't born with TOF, a life where he doesn't live in a hospital and lives in an actual house or mansion–either is fine–a life where he goes to school, makes friends, learns new things, worries over even the simplest problems, has life-changing experiences, and more that Evren can list down all day if he wants. He can rant about this to anyone who is willing to listen, except that there's none. And even if he has TOF, he wishes he gets to see what the world outside the hospital is like, to taste what freedom is like. Evren knows that's impossible. He heaves a heavy sigh, sinking under the comfort of his blankets as he continues to watch the movie longingly.
Weeks have passed by in a breeze and the doctors have observed that Evren is slowly getting better. It isn't like the previous cases whereas his health rapidly worsens afterwards, Evren seems to show significant improvements. He breathes more naturally, he is able to move more without getting easily tired, his chest doesn't tighten as usual, his skin doesn't turn blue, and his heart isn't palpitating. Still, just to be sure, the doctors continue to observe him for a while and to give him their daily check-ups every now and then. After a few months, the doctors conclude that Evren is in absolutely good condition. They allow Evren to leave his room in the hospital more, the boy overjoyed as they tell him that he has the freedom to explore the hospital as much as he likes–though he shouldn't make any attempts to escape the hospital. Evren flinches at the reminder, wondering how they managed to catch him red-handed. The doctors make a mental note to assign a guard or nurse to keep a watchful eye on him.
Every morning, Evren excitedly rushes to eat breakfast, changes into a new set of clothes, then dashes outside his room to wander around the hospital, filled with awe. His nurse always scolds him for running as it isn't recommended for his heart and true to her words, Evren often gets tired and is close to fainting because of it. He doesn't care much about it though–it is worth seeing new people visiting the hospital, the medical staff working tirelessly, the vehicles passing by, pots of plants bringing life to the hospital–and why did no one tell him that there is a magnificent garden within the hospital grounds?! His life in the hospital would have been decently amazing!
Evren lays down on the grass in the garden, watching the flowers sway, his hair fluttering in the wind, and he has never felt more happy in his life. He hasn't seen the world in its entirety yet but a simple glimpse of what lies underneath is already enough for him to appreciate it. He inhales the cool air that surrounds him, then releases it deeply. Evren closes his eyes, letting mother nature scoop him in a soothing embrace and sing him a sweet alluring lullaby as he falls deep in his sleep.
. . .
A hand gently shakes him by the shoulder, prompting Evren to reluctantly crack an eye open. "What...?" he mumbles, his mind in a haze. He sits up, rubbing his eyes. The nurse chuckles at the still sleepy Evren, finding his actions cute. Her lips form into a smile and despite her old age with her grey hair tied into a bun and the numerous wrinkles on her face, she seems bright and full of vitality. "Oh, it's just you nurse..." Evren recognizes her presence, yawning. He stretches his arms to shake off the feeling of drowsiness and the nurse offers him a bottle of water. Evren hums a thanks and accepts the bottle, taking a sip. "You have quite taken your time in the garden, I believe you have slept here for around 3 hours." she comments. "Did you enjoy your time here?" Evren's eyes brighten at the nurse's keen observation. He sits up straight and speaks with renewed vigor, as if sharing a very exciting story. "I did! It was getting too tiring being stuck in my room–You can never imagine how happy I was when the doctors told me I get to leave the room more frequently!" His lips tug upwards beamingly, his eyes shining. The nurse has to blink her eyes a bit, stunned at seeing him smile so brightly for the first time. Whatapitifulchild. She thinks quietly. The nurse returns his smile. "Indeed, I can never imagine." She nods in agreement. For a brief moment, the nurse seems to recall something. "Ah, before this poor memory of mine forgets..." She looks at Evren, studying him for any reaction he might show. None, whatsoever–only curious.
"Your family has called." the nurse says, unsure of how Evren will respond.
Evren is glad that he isn't drinking water, otherwise he might have choked himself. He snaps his head to look at her directly in the eye, trying to search for any lie that is hidden in her words. Her eyes are genuine and Evren can't help but sense pity from it. He quickly looks away, feigning a cough and covering his mouth with his fist.
"Is...is that so?" Evren tries to find the right words to say. "What did they say?" he asks, hesitant.
"They said they will come over to visit you tomorrow after their recent business trip."
"Oh."
Evren isn't quite sure what to feel about this news. He doesn't know what to feel about his family stopping by for a visit. He doesn't...no, he can't feel anything. No joy, excitement, sadness, anger, resentment...nothing at all. The thing is, Evren isn't close with his family. He doesn't share a special connection with them, he doesn't have any warm or fuzzy memories involving his family. Evren can boldly declare that the medical staff here are more of a family to him. Now, it isn't that his family are terrible people–quite the opposite actually. They're good people with hearts of gold, they would try to visit him whenever they can, they shower him with gifts, and they will always call him to see how he is doing. All in all, they're loving and caring souls. Evren is grateful to have been blessed with a family like them, he doesn't know what to do if his family were heartless and violent people. He thinks that his family are only tolerating him because their parents unfortunately gave birth to him and must have felt a sense of duty to look after him. He doesn't blame them if his hypothesis turns out to be correct, he knows how much of a burden he is to their family. Having to take care of a feeble and frail child equivalent to a brittle diamond is by no means an easy task, especially since his parents are obligated to pay for his medical fees–thatareinsanelycostly. For a child with a serious case of TOF and is needed to stay in the hospital, his parents have to pay millions considering all the check-ups, tests, medical equipment, treatments, and such. If Evren wasn't born in the first place, perhaps his family might have lived easier and more comfortable lives. Evren is consumed with guilt and remorse for that mere fact, but alas, the world has other plans that Evren himself cannot comprehend. How can someone like him whose life is on the edge, who doesn't know if he will be able to survive his heart condition, live on earth? Isn't it better if he didn't exist at all? To spare all the troubles and struggles his family has to go through?
That is a question to think about for another day, he realizes that the nurse is eyeing him with concern, her brows furrowing. It makes sense, he has gone quiet for some time now. While they don't have a strong mutual bond with each other, Evren sees the nurse as someone he can depend on when necessary. After all, the nurse has been his assigned caretaker ever since he was born, always tending to his needs. He finds her company more comforting than the company of his own family–and that says a lot.
"Are you alright?" the nurse asks, a hint of worry painting her facial expressions. "Huh? Uh- yeah, I'm...I'm fine." Evren stammers, avoiding eye contact. "So–" Evren attempts to act cool, propping himself up on his knee and dusting his clothes. "I guess we have to go back inside? It's getting late," he says, stealing a glance at the sky that is darkening with each passing second. He lends a hand towards the nurse who is crouching on the grass beside him earlier and the nurse gratefully accepts it, Evren aiding her as she struggles to stand up. The nurse sighs, resigned.
"Aigoo...I'm getting old, aren't I?" she chuckles bitterly. "But even with this old body," Her eyes glint with mischief, "I'm still stronger than you." she teases him playfully. Evren groans, playing along with her act. "You don't have to remind me nurse, I know that I'm weaker than...everyone here." he trails off, lost in his thoughts. He shakes his head and smiles at the nurse. He puts a hand on his chest, grinning proudly. "With my bright personality however, I outshine even the sun itself." he says smugly, as if stating a fact.
The nurse shakes her head in amusement, patting his back. "What a bold thing to say young lad, now get going. You shouldn't miss your dinner." Evren nods his head in response, scrunching his nose at the thought of having to eat yet another nutritious meal.
Together with the nurse, he enters back towards the main hallways of the hospital full of patients and visitors standing, sitting, and waiting around, and back to his room with nothing but white walls cornering him from every side. If Evren has to share his one honest thought of the day, it would be that he doesn't look forward to meeting his family tomorrow. He can already imagine the awkwardness settling in.
. . .
Evren can't sleep. Which is a bad thing, because it's one of the major factors that can risk his health. But he can't help it. Thoughts of meeting his family worm their way inside his mind like a starving python, alarming his senses. He tosses and turns in his bed, trying to fall asleep but miserably failing to do so. Annoyed, he checks the alarm clock on his bedside table. It's3A.M already...? Evren is stunned seeing the vivid red numbers flashing unmistakably at him. How? He thought it was still 9 P.M! He groans in frustration and pulls the blankets over his face, sulking. The moon peeks through the curtains of the window, watching over him like a vigilant guardian. Evren abandons his attempts of collapsing into deep slumber and climbs off his bed, moving to open the window. He glances sneakily at his room, making sure no one is there to observe him. He pushes the windows open, the crisp night air coming to visit him again. He seeks comfort in it and sits by the window, closing his eyes.
He can only hope that he will be able to handle his family trying to bond with him tomorrow.
"What."
"The doctors said you are free to leave the hospital now."
"..."
"They said it's better for you to live your life normally like the other kids your age, although it will have some restrictions, since you aren't fully healthy yet."
"..."
"Isn't it exciting? You get to live with us now!"
"...huh."
"We also enrolled you to a private highschool–you can make new friends and learn new things!"
"..."
"...what."
Whatever Evren expected, it wasn't this.